First it was my blogging mojo went missing, then my art has hit a block and I'm only able to do crafty activities that follow a pattern and require no imagination on my part. I am, however, still capable of choosing to create something that will soothe my soul through its elegant and unusual design knitted in my favourite colour. That's why I'm working on a beautiful frilly scarf in multi-hued purple. My gran used to knit my sister and I cardigans in this kind of wool, it gives me comfort to use a similar yarn now.
Why the 'honesty hit'? I'm confessing to suffering from anxiety and stress for the past few weeks. Lack of sleep, lack of imagination, lack of creativity, heaps of self-pity! I looked at one of my favourite blogs yesterday, and made myself depressed when I saw she gets 30+ comments when writing about buying sweets and most days I get zero. My mind immediately launched into 'what am I doing wrong' mode and 'is there any point to it?' type questions. I know there is, because at least whilst I'm still writing, I'm still writing about creating and even if no-one else in the whole world reads it, I'm still forming an intention and focussing on my creativity. But it is so hard at the moment! I've been off my 'happy pills' for two months now, and am beginning to wonder if it wasn't a tad optimistic. Now looking at natural alternatives as I'm fed up of filling myself up with drugs that make my head feel like Winnie-the-Pooh's fluffy brain has taken up residence. (Sorry, Pooh, you know I love you). So there it is, how I'm honestly feeling. I need to get the feelings out, which is why I write it in a journal, but I also share it in the hope that anyone else who does suffer from depression themselves and reads this will know they are not alone. And to give us all the advice - "don't let it steal your joy". OK - I'll keep those words in mind and go and do some more purple knitting before bed.